SINGAPORE: On the way to dinner one Sunday evening, this journalist spotted five hornbills flitting across a road junction to rest in some trees – as much a part of the city landscape as the Velocity@Novena Square mall behind them and the lanes of traffic below.

In the housing estate just across the mall, oriental pied hornbills preening their black-and-white plumage and chomping on fruit with their curved bills are a regular sight. The large bird with a distinctive casque on its beak is hard to miss but for nearly a century, they were a rare sight in Singapore.

They vanished from Singapore in the late 19th century and the first recorded return of wild oriental pied hornbills was on Pulau Ubin in 1994. Dr Ho Hua Chew, a long-time conservationist, was among the Nature Society Singapore (NSS) members who spotted the birds back then.

“The bird is a spectacular species and being regarded as extinct in Singapore up to that date, it was a thrilling experience to see a comeback for such large forest species – especially two birds at that,” he said.

Dr Ho said the hornbill sighting instilled hope in him for nature conservation in Singapore, which for decades was “all gloom and doom” with the country’s nonstop construction and development.

But following a conservation project to bring back the birds, hornbill sightings have become far more common.

By installing nest boxes in trees for the birds to breed in, the Singapore Hornbill Project’s collaborators, who include the National Parks Board (NParks), Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS) and researchers, got visiting birds from neighbouring countries to settle here and raise their babies.

The hornbills are an eye-catching example of the many projects in Singapore aiming to preserve what is left of its biodiversity in an urbanised landscape – a movement that has grown gradually over the last couple of decades. 

These include not just species recovery initiatives, but also efforts to restore habitats and connect them through nature ways – routes planted with specific trees and shrubs to facilitate the movement of animals. Many of these projects are part of Singapore’s continually updated green master plans.

Dr Yong Ding Li, ornithologist and scientific adviser for the Nature Society’s bird group, estimates that the population of oriental pied hornbills here has been expanding steadily in the last two decades and now number in the “low hundreds”.

The birds, which live on the forest fringes, have established themselves sufficiently and there is now no need to intervene, according to Mr Lim Liang Jim, group director of NParks’ National Biodiversity Centre. NParks’ greening efforts have contributed to this, as there are now enough mature trees for birds which nest in tree holes – like the hornbills and parrots – to breed in.

Dr Yong added: “I think there’s a role that greening has played in allowing hornbills to recolonise the main island. Now the interesting thing is that on mainland Singapore, the hornbills are largely not in our central nature reserves.”

OTTERS RETURN

The return of such wildlife is a side effect of policies that can be traced back to founding Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew’s vision to green Singapore and clean up its waterways – efforts which were meant to improve the welfare of the island’s human inhabitants and to enhance Singapore’s reputation abroad.

Environmental activist and National University of Singapore biology lecturer N Sivasothi said that the city’s smooth-coated otters found that Singapore’s clean waterways, some of which have been naturalised, also suited them.

“So the river cleanup was not about supporting wildlife, it was about providing clean water for people,” he said. “Although otters were missing in Singapore for a few decades, as we cleaned up for people … suddenly they were seen.”

But not every species can thrive in an environment built for people, and as Singapore continues to develop, will there be room for wildlife?

For instance, the urbanised smooth-coated otters’ prominence is in contrast to the fate of its rural cousin, the small-clawed otter.

“(The small-clawed otter is) a small mangrove stream-dwelling kind of animal. The modified environment it can deal with is maybe padi fields, but it can’t deal with modified urban environments, so its fate is hanging in balance in (Pulau) Ubin and Tekong,” said Mr Sivasothi.

Much of Singapore’s wildlife are hidden in the pockets of forest that remain in the heart of Singapore, and some, like small-clawed otters, persist on the north-east islands.

“What happens is the urban adapted species are prominent but the ones that cannot hack it, you don’t see,” said Mr Sivasothi. 

“If you talk about wildlife conservation, ultimately what must you do is conserve habitat. We should invest a lot of effort into restoring, recovery and then connecting (them).”

READ: Sungei Buloh Nature Park Network to be established, includes new Lim Chu Kang Nature Park

READ: Singapore to plant 1 million trees, develop more gardens and parks by 2030

That effort to conserve, restore and connect natural habitats is a major part of the City in Nature vision, announced by National Development Minister Desmond Lee in March.

On Wednesday, NParks announced new plans to create a 400ha nature park network that will envelop the Sungei Buloh Wetland Reserve, the Kranji Marshes and other nature areas – in another step to protect Singapore’s four nature reserves.

A network of buffer parks has already been added to Singapore’s Central Catchment and Bukit Timah Nature Reserves. These buffers protect the central nature reserves from developments that abut them and give the public alternative green spaces to visit so as to ease pressure on the reserves.

The development plans for Sungei Buloh take into account its role as a key node for migratory waterbirds along a flyway that stretches from the arctic to New Zealand – a science-based and ecologically friendly approach that is increasingly evident as Singapore tries to protect what is left of its natural heritage.

“IF YOU LOSE THEM HERE, YOU LOSE THE WHOLE WORLD’S POPULATION”

As the sky lightened and the forest awakened, bird calls and macaques’ chatter punctuated the keening of cicadas at the Bukit Timah Nature Reserve. In ever-changing Singapore, this patch of primary rainforest is a reminder of what much of the island looked and sounded like 200 years ago.

On any given day, the park is filled with hikers and panting joggers labouring up and down its slopes, but few see most of the flora and fauna that call it home.

One of them – the Johora Singaporensis, freshwater crabs found only in Singapore – infamously made it onto a list of the 100 most endangered species in the world. Its tiny population of a few hundred is found in fast-flowing streams on hills, of which there are only a handful here.

The Singapore freshwater crab has already vanished from a hill stream in Bukit Timah Nature Reserve where it was first discovered in the 1980s, a turn of events that sounded the alarm for researchers years back.

“They’re unique to Singapore. That means, if you lose them here, you lose the whole world’s population,” said Associate Professor Darren Yeo, a freshwater ecology expert at the National University of Singapore’s (NUS) department of biological sciences.

READ: Babies of critically endangered Singapore Freshwater Crab hatched in captivity

A concerted effort to save the pebble-sized invertebrate was mounted in 2015 by NParks, WRS and NUS, leading to more than 100 crabs being released in the wild. The crab population has likely increased in recent years due to successful breeding programmes and translocations, said NParks.

But the fate of the species remains precarious because its habitats are so limited. Research on its ecology is now ongoing to investigate possible threats to the species in the wild, such as stream acidification and drought, possibly due to climate change, said Assoc Prof Yeo.

The crab, described by Assoc Prof Yeo as a “little brown thing” more comfortable scuttling under rocks than being the centre of the media spotlight, is one of the lucky ones.

“A HERCULEAN EFFORT”

A 2003 study found that Singapore had already lost about 28 per cent, or 881 of 3,196 recorded species, in 200 years without much fanfare. The main reason was habitat loss, after more than 95 per cent of the island’s forest cover was lost to agriculture and later, urban development.

As many species here could have been lost before ever being documented, by referencing species found in Malaysia, the study’s authors inferred that the true extinction rate could have been as high as 73 per cent.

The study also estimated that forest reserves covering only 0.25 per cent of Singapore’s area hold more than 50 per cent of the native biodiversity left.

READ: 40 species potentially new to Singapore discovered in Bukit Timah Nature Reserve survey

READ: 150 hatchlings born last year at Singapore’s only turtle hatchery: NParks

But efforts to conserve Singapore’s biodiversity has come some way since, and hundreds of plants and animals have been discovered or rediscovered here since 2013, as surveys of wildlife proliferated.

“It’s really a Herculean effort to bring all this back … Before we know what to bring back, we realised that we had to first find out what’s there,” said NParks’ Mr Lim, Over the last seven years, surveys have discovered or rediscovered more than 500 new species, he said.

Numerous projects to conserve key species, including the Singapore freshwater crab, sea turtles and indigenous plants like the Singapore ginger, were also started over the years.

Then, the 2003 study’s authors called some surviving species the “living dead” – including the white-bellied woodpecker, the cream-coloured giant squirrel and the banded leaf monkey – as their numbers were deemed too small to be viable in the long term.

READ: ‘Can’t wait until it’s too late’: Wildlife Reserves Singapore ramps up breeding efforts for endangered species

The cream-coloured giant squirrel has not been sighted here since 1995, and Dr Yong told CNA that he last saw the white-bellied woodpecker – Singapore’s largest woodpecker – in 2001. The presence of the white-bellied woodpecker and a diverse woodpecker community are indications of forest health, as they need good forests with tall trees to survive, he added.

“The majority of forest animals will be in decline just because the forests are too small, but we can help by trying to create corridors to connect the different forest fragments.”

He calls the Eco-Link – a highway for animals built in 2013 – one of the most important conservation actions that Singapore has ever taken, as it connects the Bukit Timah Nature Reserve and the Central Catchment Nature Reserve, which were bifurcated by the Bukit Timah Expressway (BKE) in 1986.

WHEN WILL THEY REACH THE “TIPPING POINT”?

Despite the challenges, primatologist Andie Ang is trying to bring the banded leaf monkey, also known as the Raffles’ banded langur, back from the brink of extinction.

Up until the 1920s, the langur was found in many parts of Singapore, including Tuas, Bukit Timah and Changi, before development claimed most of its habitats. Unlike the more common long-tailed macaque, the shy creatures have found it hard to adapt to a Singapore with little forest cover.

The last banded leaf monkey in the Bukit Timah Nature Reserve was believed to have been mauled to death by a pack of dogs in 1987, leaving the Central Catchment Nature Reserve as the last stronghold for the primates. Studies on them were few and far between but in 2008, a survey found about 40 langurs left here.

Twelve years on, Dr Ang, who leads research and conservation efforts for the banded leaf monkeys, estimates that their numbers have increased to more than 60 in Singapore.

With the slight increase in population, a group of bachelor monkeys tried to make their way back to Bukit Timah a few years back but one died in a road accident on BKE. While other animals have used the Eco-Link that now connects the two forested areas, the monkeys have yet to figure this out, said Dr Ang, a research scientist at the WRS Conservation Fund. 

“They’re always facing pressure in terms of where they can go and where they can remain,” she added.

Given their small numbers, just one catastrophic incident, such as a heavy storm or a fire, can eliminate all the langurs. A disease or inbreeding may also wipe out the population, which DNA analysis has shown to have low genetic variability.

“With an inbred population, it takes time for signs to show and it also takes time before the population would crash suddenly, so I’m just afraid when they are reaching that tipping point,” said Dr Ang.

The bachelor group of monkeys has settled in Windsor Nature Park, one of the buffer parks created on the edges of the nature reserves to protect the core areas from further disturbance.

READ: NParks unveils 10-year action plan to make Singapore’s rainforests more resilient

READ: Three coastal areas proposed for conservation in Singapore Blue Plan

But Dr Ang fears that they will be affected by works for the upcoming Cross Island Line, which would lead to the clearing of a part of their habitat which is not protected as it is outside the nature reserve.

Discussions with the Land Transport Authority (LTA) are ongoing to safeguard the flora and fauna in the area when construction of the line begins, the authority said.

SMALL FORESTS, HIGH STAKES

That discussion is a continuation of an engagement process that has been going on since 2013 when plans for the MRT line – which could have gone under or around the Central Catchment Nature Reserve – were first announced.

Said Mr Sivasothi, who has been actively involved in the engagement: “Our local species are all locked up in the nature reserves, which is why we are so energetic when it comes to engagement because you make one slip-up – the damage, the impact is extremely high.”

Highlighting the fragility of the nature reserve, Mr Sivasothi said that when environmental impact studies were being conducted, the companies employed were not used to the small size of Singapore’s forests and the minor disturbances that could tip the balance.

“The scale at which we are telling them they have to take into account – they’ve never really faced before – it’s like a macro-scale to a nano-scale,” he said.

After years of debate and consultation, it was announced in December 2019 that the line will tunnel under the nature reserve but go 70m deep, instead of the usual 20 to 30m. There will be no surface work sites in the nature reserve to ensure that flora and fauna will not be affected.

READ: Cross Island Line to take direct route under Central Catchment Nature Reserve

READ: Six years in the making – how the Cross Island Line’s direct route was decided

While not everyone was satisfied with the final decision, there was a definite desire for a constructive outcome and a “willingness to listen”, said Mr Sivasothi.

Nature Society president Shawn Lum credits the LTA for committing to a long engagement with nature groups early on and being open to trying new technology to get the MRT line built while reducing the impact on the nature reserve.

“They, of course, had certain constraints on how that line could be built, but the fact is that, really, through the engagement LTA … changed the way they did much of their work and so the nature reserve was able to escape from the worst kind of impact,” he said.

It is a stark example of how Singapore’s conservation plans have to face the concrete reality of its limited space, the need to accommodate more than 5 million people and the relentless race for economic growth. The process also highlights the tussle between conservation and urban development that has played out over the years in the give-and-take between authorities and environmental activists.

FROM CONSERVATION TUSSLES TO ACTIVE ENGAGEMENT

The kernel of the Sungei Buloh Nature Park Network started in 1989, when a group of birdwatchers and nature lovers successfully lobbied the Government to set it aside as a nature park. It was the first time Singapore had set aside land for nature conservation since its independence – but it was the exception rather than the norm for many years to come.

Dr Ho, who has been involved in conservation work since the mid-80s, was among those who helped save Sungei Buloh. He recalls how a petition with 25,000 signatures a few years later in the early 1990s could not budge the authorities’ resolve to build Housing Board flats in Sembawang over the Senoko Wetlands – then home to endangered resident and migratory birds.

But despite such setbacks, continued pressure from nature activists convinced the authorities to take them seriously, even as popular support for nature and cultural heritage conservation grew over the years, Dr Ho said.

READ: Bill to amend Wild Animals and Birds Act introduced in Parliament

READ: Strong support for tougher wildlife protection laws in Singapore: Survey

There were two big conservation tussles which he believes helped to turn the course of the engagement process with the authorities – the Chek Jawa wetlands on Pulau Ubin and the Bukit Brown cemetery.

“What followed from these two fierce/heated tussles was that the authorities became more friendly and willing more to listen and understand our positions,” he said in an email.

Dr Lum said that there has been a more systematic effort to include feedback from various communities, including the nature groups, on major infrastructural projects in the last decade or so. While there was always a pipeline for feedback, it used to be more informal.

Besides the Cross Island Line, he cites the development of the Rail Corridor as an example of how the Urban Redevelopment Authority took on the community as a partner in developing plans for railway land that was returned to Singapore in 2011.

Dr Lum believes that with more people with different backgrounds and expertise involved in the planning and urban development process, better outcomes can be reached.

“I think if you took all these great ideas, and these technically skilled people who have know-how in whatever – engineering and building, modelling and nature – we might be able to do something that no one agency or no one institution or individual could have thought possible,” he said. 

“But in order to tap into that expertise, the discussions have to start really early and not necessarily unveiled as this plan that just needs a fine touch at the end.”

EVOLUTION, NOT REVOLUTION

Mr Lim of NParks’ National Biodiversity Centre said that the change in approach over the years has been organic.

“It was very evolutionary, it wasn’t revolutionary. But essentially, there was a recognition, I think for quite some time already … that the community has to be involved,” he said.

It is not just the approach to engagement, the evolution in Singapore’s relationship with the natural environment can be summed up in its slogans over the years – from “Garden City” to “City in a Garden” to now, a “City in Nature”.

Explaining the significance of this, Mr Lim said: “We are now looking at nature as really being part of a very critical relationship with people … simply because we recognise now that nature – flora, fauna, habitats and ecosystems – play an important role (in) imparting resilience to the community, to human individuals, to society, to nations.”

There is now an understanding that having more natural ecosystems, rather than controlled green spaces is important for ecological and climate resilience, said Mr Lim. There is even scientific evidence that being in a more biodiverse environment improves mental well-being, he added.

Of the seven strategic thrusts of the City in Nature vision, conserving and restoring natural ecosystems is the first. Other key thrusts include restoring nature into the built environment and establishing connectivity between green spaces islandwide – for humans and for wildlife. 

It has come a long way from 1967 when then-PM Lee Kuan Yew announced that Singapore was to become a “garden city beautiful with flowers and trees, and as tidy and litterless as can be”, as reported in the Straits Times.

Getting the community engaged, in particular young people, is another key thrust. Mr Lim said he is seeing more interest in nature conservation, and many people, young and old, committing their time and expertise to NParks’ community programmes.

“IT ALL BEGINS WITH UNDERSTANDING THE NATURAL WORLD”

At Commonwealth Secondary School, students have been learning in an environment which is a microcosm of Singapore’s natural habitats – from a rainforest to a wetland, and a freshwater stream. It is one of 42 schools in NParks’ Greening Schools for Biodiversity Programme, which helps schools plant native flora and create habitats for more wildlife.

The animals that stop by the school became learning opportunities, such as when a reticulated python was found in a school corridor or when a pair of olive-backed sunbirds built a nest there this year.

Mr Jacob Tan, biology teacher and key driver of the school’s environmental education programme, said that the school’s geography teachers have also been using the eco-habitats to get students to link what they observe to their lessons.

“This is the generation of students who will inherit a world where these issues are really going to be a problem. As our students live in an urban environment, the opportunity that they have to get in contact with nature and biodiversity in general is very little,” he said. 

One young person whose love for nature has turned into both a job and a sideline is 26-year-old Kong Man Jing, a science teacher at a tuition centre who also runs Facebook page Just Keep Thinking, dedicated to educating people about science and the environment and has more than 63,000 followers.

Ms Kong’s alter-ego “BioGirlMJ” is the bubbly host of science and nature videos that feel like a blend of Discovery Channel and SGAG. During the “circuit breaker” period, she went on a “grassland treasure hunt”, identifying for viewers the flowers, weeds and insects that proliferated when the grass went untrimmed for months.

Ms Kong told CNA that she wants her videos to fill a gap for light-hearted content on such matters that are accessible to the masses – particularly the unconverted, who may not be that interested in green issues.

“It’d be great if everyone cares about the environment a bit more because climate change is real, but to reach there, I think it has to come from innate desire,” she said. “When you love something, you want to protect it more.”

SINGAPORE A “CRUCIBLE” FOR THE WORLD?

Most people CNA spoke to said that the issue is larger than Singapore and saving its native wildlife. 

Ornithologist Dr Yong pointed out that Singapore’s ecosystem merges into Malaysia’s and Indonesia’s, and international ecological connectivity is often overlooked.

“If you look at the Johor Straits … we cannot see the Singapore side as a ‘Singaporean ecosystem’, there’s no such thing as a Singaporean ecosystem. To animals, to plants, the border is an artificial thing,” he said, urging for more transboundary cooperation on nature conservation.

NParks’ Mr Lim said that Singapore can be a “test case” for other cities in the world.

“Singapore is very interesting because it is a crucible … a test case of how basically a small nation with very small hinterland – in fact zero hinterland, let’s be honest – will be able to build a matrix of greenery, of nature so that it benefits people as much as possible,” he said.

Dr Lum of the Nature Society said that he feels it is time the world draws a line on urban sprawl if it wants to enjoy the services that nature provides, like climate regulation, clean water and air. 

“I think all countries in the future would have to kind of draw a boundary: Beyond this, we just cannot develop, we have to put everything in this … And so in this sense, Singapore really becomes a test case for how creative can we be in our allocation of land.”

SINGAPORE: This pandemic will reveal your real friends. Pay attention to who reaches out. 

Even before the coronavirus strengthened its hold on Singapore in March, this sentiment was rife on social media. 

The seemingly straightforward argument parrots the platitude that crisis reveals character: These are rough times, so the people who check in are those worth keeping in our lives. 

Granted, there is a modicum of truth. Everyone treasures active, two-way friendships, where both parties work to keep the friendship going in good and bad times. These friendships should be effortless but intentional, so neither party has to worry about it fading. 

Under the circuit breaker, these friendships would’ve ideally manifested in frequent Zoom calls or increased text messages that act as temporary stand-ins for the monthly catch-up over food and drink. 

Understandably, if these supposedly solid friendships petered out when you most needed them, you might feel resentful. 

But, just so we’re on the same page, we are in the middle of a pandemic. 

PUTTING A PAUSE ON FRIENDSHIP

Considering how 2020 has upended the economy and our general lives, it’d be nice if we could collectively call for friendship timeouts.

This doesn’t mean abandoning our nearest and dearest, not least because it’s crucial to lean on each other during this time. 

But maybe we should abandon all expectations we will be there for each other with the same pre-pandemic intensity.

READ: Commentary: We cannot allow COVID-19 to disrupt our relationships too

READ: Commentary: Why I still stay home most days even though circuit breaker has been lifted

While we’re individually drowning in pools of uncertainty and anxiety every day, it’d be selfish and mildly sociopathic to test our friendships or expect the dynamics to remain the same. 

Not only should we cut our friends some slack, it’s also unrealistic to expect ourselves to continue living by these absolute standards of friendship from the Old Normal. 

I, for one, have weeks where I’m anchored in a thick mental fog that I struggle to complete any work, reinforcing the general anxiety around pandemic living. So forgive me but catching up with friends, albeit expectedly cathartic, is a tad less important than trying to keep my head above water.

Moreover, many of us conflate having time with having capacity, making us resentful when we assume reaching out or replying to a text message barely takes a few minutes.

LISTEN: Recovery, restructuring and possibly rebound? The outlook for the Singapore economy

Cutting ourselves some slack might mean we can feel less guilty when we can’t afford a few minutes to talk to supposedly good friends. 

In reality, checking in with a friend requires mustering up the mental and emotional bandwidth to actively listen and be there for them.

READ: Commentary: Why breaking up in the Facebook era is hard to do

Unlike family ties and romantic relationships, which come with a minimal sense of obligation, friendship is wholly opt-in. Even before COVID-19, hard work and intention were fully required to keep each other in our busy lives. 

With friendships as tough as they are, the last thing we want is another arbitrary gold standard in friendship Olympics to reach for. 

That said, it’s inevitable that a crisis will sharpen our focus over our hierarchy of priorities. Rather than begrudge certain friends for not reaching out, however, I wondered why I hadn’t reached out.

FRIENDSHIP IS A TWO-WAY STREET 

During the circuit breaker period, I decided not to ask certain friends to hang out on Zoom or make plans to see them in the New Normal. 

In the three tiers of friendship — primary, secondary, and tertiary — these friends fell into the secondary and tertiary circles. From being in the same school clique to sharing relationship struggles, we’d been there for a season but now lead vastly different lives from one another.

Even when we hung out pre-pandemic, our meetups had started veering towards superficial topics and required the distractions of a physical setting, like good food, to ease us into conversation. The current friendship hinged on guilt, obligation and shared history.

So the thought of being on a one-on-one video call felt unnatural and awkward. Video chats feel oddly intimate — the COVID-19 version of after-school phone calls that would stretch for hours, where we jumped from pining over crushes to complaining about family in a single session of vulnerability. 

Even texting each other simply to catch up without having plans to meet felt stilted.

With these friends who fell by the wayside, I found myself unexpectedly content with remaining distanced acquaintances or letting the friendship die a slow death, precisely because I couldn’t imagine us developing the closeness that was necessary to weather uncertain times together. 

Even after the restrictions lifted in Phase 2, I still hadn’t sought to rekindle the friendship or acquaintanceship, and neither had they.

READ: Mental well-being during COVID-19: The rise of intimate sharing sessions with strangers

READ: Commentary: In defence of baking bread, watching reality TV and other frivolous fads in the time of COVID-19

On the other hand, there were a couple of friends who’d gotten closer after the circuit breaker, because we’d made equal effort to hold onto each other through our darker days. 

In some ways, it was sad to realise COVID-19 sounded the death knell for some friendships, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t already felt the spark slowly burning out. 

All I needed was a global pandemic to lay bare the truths I wasn’t ready to confront — and the friends I’d willingly undergo another circuit breaker for. 

Well, maybe.

LISTEN: The COVID-19 vaccine will be the biggest product launch in history. Can we pull it off?

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Grace Yeoh is a senior journalist at CNA Insider.

SINGAPORE: Alex still remembers the first time a girl expressed feelings for him.

It was 2007, and he was 20. He was having dinner with a friend’s sister, Jane, when the teenager told him of her feelings. His immediate response was: “Are you crazy?”

He tells CNA Insider: “I was totally shocked that a perfectly able-bodied human being would come and tell me that she has feelings for me.”

It was a response conditioned by years of feeling inadequate and unable because he was born with cerebral palsy, a condition that affects muscle control and coordination.

He has always had trouble with even the simplest of tasks, like coordinating the movement of his eyeballs, getting dressed and using the toilet. Now aged 33, he uses a wheelchair or a rollator — a walking aid — to get around.

It took him three months to give Jane a chance. But his first real relationship was brought to a tragic end when she died in a car accident. They had been together for about three years.

To this day, Alex says he will never find someone who will understand him as much as she did.

But being in the relationship changed something in him: A decade after the loss of his first love, he acknowledges that he is no less deserving than his able-bodied counterparts in the search for companionship, marriage and, ultimately, a family.

His journey, however, is as challenging as it gets.

LISTEN: Looking for love, in a wheelchair — a podcast

‘A VERY DIFFERENT CHILDHOOD’

Alex, who requested that his name and those of his loved ones be changed owing to the personal nature of his story, had always known as he grew up that he was different.

At primary school, he relied on his parents and his domestic helper to carry him up to his classroom, where he sat with only his bag for company. No one in his class, he recalls, wanted to sit beside him.

While his classmates played during recess, he remained in the classroom, copying notes and trying to catch up on lessons. The trouble he had controlling his hands had made him slower than everybody else.

“It was a very different childhood, compared to a normal child of that age,” he says. “For me, the sole reason for going to school was to study and … not to make friends or for fun.”

Things got better as the years went by, and he made friends along the way, some of whom were girls. But at secondary school, as he grew older and started having feelings for girls, he bottled them up.

“My conscious mind would tell me … ‘Better don’t go and tell them, because you have a disability,” he says. “Some of them were very close to me as friends, and I didn’t want to lose that friendship.”

No one, he recalls, ever said anything to him about not wanting to date him because of his disability. But this was the “preconceived notion” he had, a notion coupled with his experiences of being alone.

At home, he also had difficulties exploring his sexuality.

He was not allowed to lock his bedroom door or even the toilet door while he was showering or changing, and his parents would check on him periodically if they did not hear sounds coming from his room.

“My parents were naturally concerned because of my condition,” says Alex, who does not blame them as they were doing the best they could.

But he acknowledged the effect it had on the exploration of his sexuality as a teenager. He could only masturbate in the wee hours, for example, and he was always worried someone would open the door to check on him.

All these experiences, he says, shaped his attitude towards relationships and sexuality — which got shaken up when Jane made her way into his life.

THE TURNING POINT

Alex remembers agonising about whether he should give her a chance. With his disability and fear of rejection always at the back of his mind, he had never considered the idea of being in a relationship.

But Jane, he says, had known him for years, knew his character and his disability well and, despite his incredulous response, insisted that he should consider the possibility. She gave him three months to think about it.

He considered it carefully and, with the encouragement of his friends, agreed. “They told me … the least I could do is give her a chance. And I also thought, if I don’t try, I’ll never know,” he says.

Initially, however, he tended to “hold back quite a bit”. He was uncomfortable with touching her, finding it strange to hold her hand or hug her in public.

But she persevered. “She was always telling me that I didn’t have to be different just because I had a disability,” he says.

“It was a new school of thought for me … that I don’t have to be different from other guys in a relationship just because I’m in a wheelchair.”

That was when he realised it was time to open up, emotionally and physically.

As Jane was living overseas, returning to Singapore only during semester breaks, the couple did not get much time together. They had to rely on the phone and online chats like Skype to communicate.

Slowly, however, Alex built up his comfort level with her and began to trust her more, and the couple became more intimate when they had the chance.

But Alex had flashbacks to an incident at his secondary school. A group of his classmates, tasked by his teacher to help him use the toilet, had taken his uniform while he was in one of the cubicles.

They also told him to call them if he ever needed to stand up to have sex, and they would come and hold him up.

“I was angry, and I told them that if I really had issues, I was sure my partner would have other ways to get things done,” he recounts.

Indeed, when he sensed that Jane was ready to explore that next step, they were able to work it out, proving once and for all that he was capable of having sex — using protection at all times, he adds carefully.

“I had a little bit of mixed thoughts … like, ‘What have I done, and did I do the right thing?’” he recalls. “But internally, I was also a little happy. Because it’s actually possible.”

He remembers the sinking feeling he had the day her brother called, informing him that she was involved in a car crash while driving overseas.

“It took me a very, very long time to get over her,” he says. “I still think about her a lot.

I don’t think I’ll be lucky enough to find someone who’ll be able to care for me and see the normalcy in me as much as she did.

FACED WITH QUESTIONS

He had been happy with Jane, but the relationship was not without its issues. For one thing, he had kept it from his parents.

At that point, with both youngsters studying and without serious jobs, he wanted to be sure they could “stand on their own feet” first.

“Knowing how conservative and traditional (my parents) were towards me and my disability, if I didn’t give them a complete, foolproof structure, they’d shoot it down,” he said.

While Jane’s family were aware of the relationship, her mother disapproved from the get-go.

“Whenever she got a chance to speak to my girlfriend, she’d ask to speak to me and ask me things like, ‘What are you trying to do? Are you trying to find yourself a lifetime maid?’” he recounts.

Another concern raised: How likely was it that any children they have would “be like you”? “Thankfully, we were pretty strong about it,” he says. “The good thing is, I also got the support of her father and her brother.”

Years later, Alex is grappling with some of the same questions in his search for love.

While he had not actively sought a relationship in the years after Jane’s death, by the time he was 27, friends and relatives tried to make arrangements for him to meet people, including posting his profile on overseas-based matrimonial sites.

But some of the prospects and their family members had questions for him from the first meeting.

“The majority of the questions were on my condition … how I managed my condition, how much support the person I’m meeting would need to provide. That was number one.” he said. “Number two, whether I could consummate a marriage.”

He describes himself as a confident person who no longer grapples with self-esteem issues. He has been doing advocacy work and has conducted workshops on topics like sexuality and disability awareness for more than a decade.

But there are times when self-doubt creeps in, for example the times he bites the bullet and approaches women he meets through his advocacy work.

At worst, they would say no, he thinks to himself. And “most of the time”, that is the case.

“It’s just like … ‘No, I don’t think we’ll match,’” he says. “They’re not like my first relationship … someone who says, okay, let’s give it a try and see how it goes.”

What about trying a dating app, like Tinder or Bumble? His answer is no.

“Rejections are part of life, but I think I’ve heard rejections too many times for too many things, and I just don’t want to hear it for this kind of thing,” he says.

“Even if I go in there, would this person actually understand (me)?”

He has considered dating others with disabilities, but he also stresses the importance of complementing each other.

“I need a certain degree of assistance in activities of daily living,” he points out. “If my partner has a similar disability (and) needs that same amount of assistance, how are we going to help her while I’m on a wheelchair myself?

“You must be able to help each other out with your different disabilities.”

BREAKING THE CHAINS OF LOVE

Many people with disabilities, however, believe they cannot have a relationship simply because of their disability — something Alex has realised through his advocacy work.

“I want to break that,” he says. This is why he is telling his story to CNA Insider.

Ariel, a close friend of Alex who also has cerebral palsy, believes that such thinking is “very common in Singapore”, whether among able-bodied people or those with disabilities.

“When I was younger, older relatives always told me that maybe I should find someone like myself, who’s disabled, because (he) would understand me best,” she says.

“But my dream has always been to be with a non-disabled person — not because I want to show off, but because I know the extent of my disability, and I know that I need someone to take care of me.”

Ariel, who is in her 30s, thinks it is “very much” a matter of self-perception.

“If you want to put your disability at the forefront, then of course things would be difficult,” she says. “But if you choose to … (be) more than your disability, then it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Alex acknowledges that his future wife would have to take on caregiving duties. But he is adamant that he is looking for far more than a carer.

“I have to respect you, and I have to give you that level of commitment and confidence that you’re my wife and not a maid who’s working for me,” he said. “That’s a different level.”

NOW IS THE TIME

He also acknowledges that he now “needs to start thinking of a serious relationship and settling down”.

“Being single is fantastic,” he says. “But the more serious thing is companionship, and I want to start my own family. I love kids.”

Thinking about friends his age who are married with children, he adds: “Maybe my life would be different if I didn’t have a disability.”

READ: ‘Why take on the extra burden?’: Parents with disabilities tackle misconceptions about raising their own families

As his parents age, he says, they are also starting to worry about how he would be able to live alone. He himself is frank in this matter: How long can he depend on a domestic helper to help with his activities of daily living?

“It’s not practical because as I age, my ability to do what I’m doing now will become even weaker,” he says. “There are certain points where only a spouse can come in to assist.”

Over the years, he has worked at building up his independence. Through therapy, which began when he was three months old, he can now handle tasks such as showering himself or bending down to pick up things.

“I need to make myself physically able to maintain all that I’ve achieved from childhood until now, for as long as I can,” says Alex, who works in the IT industry.

Recently, he has been looking to make it easier to dress himself by, for example, engaging Elisa Lim, the founder of Will and Well, a fashion label that creates clothes for people with disabilities and special needs.

READ: This 25-year-old makes clothes for the disabled. She’s still finding acceptance in the design industry

Lim says: “He wanted (me) to make clothes that are … easy for him to put on, so that when he finds a partner, he can take care of himself and not have to burden her.”

Alex’s coordination and reflexes are weak, so he may take a long time to complete fiddly tasks like doing up buttons. Lim therefore worked on a shirt with magnetic buttons to help him.

She is now working on a pair of dressy trousers with an adjustable waistband, which will be easier for him to remove, particularly when he uses the toilet.

The two have developed a friendship that has blossomed since they began working together at the start of the year, and Lim is excited that he is thinking of a life partner.

“He’s a very determined person, so I believe if he wants something, he can achieve it,” she says.

‘WE’RE THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE’

There is hope for Alex indeed. Some time ago, he met a woman overseas through his volunteer work. The pair chat regularly, and he is hopeful the relationship will progress further.

They had wanted to arrange for him to visit her parents, to let them know “that we’re serious and that we’re thinking about marriage … in future”, he shares.

COVID-19 has put these plans on hold. And he recognises that more challenges lie ahead for them. For example, as with his first relationship, his parents are still in the dark

“Though they want me to try and get married, they aren’t quite convinced that I won’t be a liability to my partner,” he says. “Their concern is that the caregiving role will supersede the spousal role.”

Resistance might also come from the woman’s parents. “Certain parents can be a little dominating,” he says. This might arise, he feels, from the fact that she has a disability too: She is hearing-impaired in one ear.

“If things are really going to go well, I’m someone who may not have an issue with trying to take things forward despite resistance,” he added. “But whether she’d have the guts to do that or not is another thing.”

He worries about what the future will bring. But he is determined to overcome the challenges, whether it is his parents’ overprotectiveness or the attitude of others.

“I’ve come to a stage where I’ve realised that whatever I do, the nagging, negativity and comparison is always going to be (there),” he said. “I’m just going to do what I’m going to do.”