SINGAPORE: Reading the news about the challenges that soon-to-be mothers face in these COVID-19 times brought me back to my own experience when I first became a mother 11 years ago.

I cared for my first-born without external help as my own mum was caught up with work unexpectedly during that time.

They were the most stressful days of my life. Between struggling to breastfeed my daughter (who was a sleepy feeder) and battling my own constant worries about having enough milk and whether she was putting on weight, I found little energy to do anything else.

While my baby took time to adjust to a more predictable sleep-wake-feed-play cycle, I felt stuck in an endless list of to-dos – from diaper-changing, nursing and pumping, to rocking the baby to sleep.

Some nights, with baby and I both crying and unable to sleep, it felt like I was at the end of my rope. But with my husband’s helping hand and emotional support, we managed to survive the initial parenthood shocks.

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ALL IN THE MIND

In the good old days, our mothers and grandmothers raised their brood with little help. You can almost imagine ah-ma cooking for the household while balancing a baby at the hip.

Fast forward a few decades and so many of us are crying out when the help that we’ve grown accustomed to is taken away by COVID-19.

One cannot help but ask if society has grown more dependent and less resilient.

But maybe the solution lies in changing our mindset and lowering expectations.

Deep in my own first-time motherhood dumps, I realise on hindsight that I wasn’t just dealing with the practical challenges of raising a newborn, I was also battling feelings of failure because I seemed to be missing something.

The picture-perfect ads of a beautiful mother snuggling with her cooing baby had set me up.

I yearned for my experience of motherhood to be perfect, but why wasn’t I basking in the warm glow of motherhood?

Why was breastfeeding not as intuitive as it seems?

Why was it so hard to settle my baby down to sleep?

It was tough admitting to family and friends that things were far from perfect.

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It took me a while, but I finally figured out that I needed to give myself time to grow into this new role. I needed to be self-compassionate.

The truth about parenthood is that no matter how many books you read and how much theory you internalise, you still have to make that journey yourself.

It is deeply personal. You have to figure out your own baby while establishing your own parenting priorities. No two babies, or parents, are the same.

What works for one household may not work for another. For one, sleep training may work like magic; for another, a nightmare on repeat.

This is also why it is all too easy for us to judge other parents. We think that simply because we’ve survived the parenthood challenge, others should be able to do the same – with nary a whine or complaint.

Take for example breastfeeding. There are breastfeeding advocates out there who can be vocal about the benefits and bonding that comes with this experience.

But for mums who struggle to produce sufficient milk or battle with clogged ducts and mastitis, it can also be a hair-raising experience.

Making space for such different truths and stories can be crucial in shoring up societal support for new mothers.

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GETTING THE HELP YOU NEED

With the still-precarious COVID-19 situation in Singapore, many households with new-borns or young infants now have to bear the burden of baby-caring as a family unit.

While it can be daunting, there are ways to help relieve some of the pressure. One of them is confinement food delivery or appealing for your mother or mum-in-law to stay with you through the period.

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A good friend of mine, who just gave birth to her fourth child, and who manages her household without help, shared that training her elder children, aged five and seven, to help out in the home proved handy after baby arrived.

Another is to ask for help from your partner. While most modern dads are ready to get involved – whether it’s changing the diaper or doing a night feed – it can get dicey when expectations or instructions are not set out clearly. Where possible, try discussing these before baby arrives.

Clear communication is key. For instance, if you need him to heat up the milk for the night feed, be sure to leave written instructions so that he knows the temperature or heating time required and is set up for success.

New fathers are also undergoing change themselves, so it may take a while for both parties to fully embrace their new roles. Meanwhile, showing grace to and forgiving each other may be your best tool.

Instead of harping on a mistake made, for instance, focus on the problem at hand and thinking of solutions.

When couples approach parenthood with a mentality that says “I’ve got your back,” both parents may feel more supported and this can help your marriage survive the tumultuous ride.

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ESSENTIAL FOR GROWTH

New parents, brace yourselves. It will be a steep learning curve and the ascent will be tougher for some more than others.

Tell yourself that the struggle will be worthwhile in the end, and that it will soon pass – just like the COVID-19 situation.

It is okay to live in a messy house for a month, to not have all the answers, and to make mistakes.

As the lyrics of the song The Light goes, “So come on just let go, you’re not in this alone,” make sure that you have company for the journey.

Do whatever it takes to maintain some semblance of sanity, whether it’s by pouring out your woes to friends or making yourself a cup of chamomile tea at night.

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Staying positive, laughing a lot, and clinging on to hope will help you rise to the occasion.

Don’t believe everything the experts say and remember to trust your own instincts.

As you mark each milestone in your baby’s growth – her first turn, her first laugh, her first word – you will also look back and witness your own growth. And be able to say, “I survived motherhood without help, and now I am stronger for it.”

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June Yong is a mother of three, an educational therapist and owner of Mama Wear Papa Shirt, a blog that discusses parenting and education in Sing

SINGAPORE: From a donation of 1,000kg of beehoon, to a culinary-award winning chef’s offer of his time and skills, the response to a team of Nanyang Technological University (NTU) undergraduates’ fund-raising campaign to feed the needy has been no less than overwhelming.

In fact, Lee Ray Sheng, 20, and the team behind his on-campus stall Raydy Beehoon, so far surpassed their monetary donations target that they’ve now raised their sights from delivering 15,000 beehoon breakfasts – to 30,000 to 50,000 meals for families in need by Jun 1.

This outpouring of public generosity came after CNA Insider reported on Thursday about how the students had turned their fried beehoon business – which was forced by the COVID-19 outbreak to shut its doors about a month after it opened – into a project for good during Singapore’s extended “circuit breaker” period.

READ: COVID-19 forced his beehoon stall to shut – so NTU undergrad cooks for hundreds of folks in need

As of Saturday (Apr 25), the Raydy Gives campaign had raised over S$130,000 – more than triple the fund-raising target of S$40,000.

“I thought it was amazing to even hit the first S$10,000,” said Ray Sheng. “Then to hit S$40,000, I thought: ‘Wow, that’s crazy.’

“Now it’s past S$100,000 … I thought that was completely insane.”

EXPANDING OPERATIONS

The campaign, when initially launched on Apr 13, had sought to raise S$10,000 to cover the costs of food, packaging and logistics. The target was increased when the Government extended the “circuit breaker” by another month.

Now, the team is aiming to serve many more households across the island – working through food charities like The Food Bank Singapore and Willing Hearts – by expanding their operations.

Currently, the Raydy team cooks out of two catering kitchens in the west and the north of Singapore, which were offered to them for temporary use free of charge. They have now also received offers of a third kitchen space in the east, and are on the lookout for more.

They have hired a second cook and, if there is a need, are open to hiring more cooks who have lost their income since the “circuit measures” began.

They also hope to include masks with each packet of beehoon delivered, and are looking for mask donors or mask manufacturers they can work with.

Ray Sheng emphasised that the funds would be accounted for properly.

“Rest assured this money will be put to good use,” he said, explaining that every invoice is filed and accounted for in the team’s finance sheet.

“Every deduction has to be approved by someone else, so no one can make a transaction without another person’s approval.”

OFFER OF SERVICES

Ray Sheng admitted to being “overwhelmed” by the donors and the sheer amount of money raised.

“Every single one of the top ten donations (we’ve received) is anonymous,” he said. “No one is doing this for the recognition … they genuinely want to help. 

It’s definitely faith in humanity restored.

Others, he said, have reached out to chip in in non-monetary ways. He has received “hundreds” of messages from people offering to pack or deliver food. One person even donated 1,000kg of beehoon.

“To give that some context, a 3kg bag can be cooked for about 40 to 50 people,” he said. “Imagine a thousand!”

One eating house offered the use of its chefs. And a 72-year-old former hotel chef and culinary awards winner offered his time and skills. “Maybe he can cook not just beehoon, but other things, like a nice fried rice with all the ingredients on top,” Ray Sheng enthused.

They continue to welcome volunteers who have food hygiene certification and can commit to six mornings a week as food packers; and those with cars who can help with deliveries.

‘NOT ABOUT BEING A HERO’

Ray Sheng and his team of three managers, Ye Anran, Zechary Hoe and Sheila Lim, are touched by the messages they have received and the comments people have been leaving on their campaign page and on the CNA Insider story.

One anonymous donor wrote: “I was from NTU, and it is very encouraging to see the spirit of care, entrepreneurship and community being harnessed for good. Those with money, give money; those with strength, give strength.”

Said Ray Sheng: “We really appreciate these comments because it spurs us on and puts a smile on our faces,” he said. “But it was never about being a hero.

“We just realised we could use our skills to do something to give back to society.”

Even when the “circuit breaker” is lifted and school reopens, the team hopes that the funds they have raised can be used to continue what they have been doing, even as they resume running their campus stall business.

“Initially, before we started this project, our plan was to expand our business,” he said. “But there’s so much more we can do … donating doesn’t only have to happen during a crisis, it can happen anytime.”

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SINGAPORE: Two drivers have been booked for continuing to provide carpooling services during the “circuit breaker” period, said the Land Transport Authority (LTA) on Saturday (Apr 25). 

The vehicles have been seized while investigations are being carried out, said the authorities, after the drivers were booked following LTA’s enforcement operations at several locations earlier this week. 

Carpooling services including those provided through GrabHitch, Rydepool or those arranged privately are not deemed as essential services and prohibited during this period, LTA had said in a notice on its website on Apr 18. 

“While commercial operators have suspended their carpooling services, LTA is aware that some drivers, like the two who have been booked, continue to offer such services privately through messaging platforms,” said the authority.

“Such irresponsible behaviour endangers the health of drivers, passengers and their families, and undermines Singapore’s ongoing efforts to suppress the spread of COVID-19.”

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The authorities also urged members of the public who come across individuals providing illegal carpooling services to notify LTA through the OneMotoring portal. 

“We urge both drivers and commuters to be socially responsible and comply with the COVID-19 circuit breaker measures, which have been put in place to safeguard public health and to minimise community transmission, “ said Mr Chandrasekar Palanisamy, group director of traffic and road operations at LTA. 

“LTA views the provision of carpooling services at this time as a serious offence. We will continue to actively enforce against those who provide such services illegally.”

Drivers who do not comply can be prosecuted under the Road Traffic Act and the Motor Vehicles (Third-Party Risks and Compensation) Act for the use of an unlicensed vehicle to provide transport services and using a vehicle that is not properly insured to ferry passengers, as well as the COVID-19 (Temporary Measures) (Control Order) Regulations, said LTA. 

Those caught offering carpool rides during this period face a fine of up to S$10,000, a maximum of six months’ jail or both.

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