“Dear Thelma” is a relationship advice column that appears in The Star, a publication that is part of the Asia News Network.
Dear Thelma,
I am a senior citizen with two wonderful sons. Both are married and doing well.
I want to relate this incident involving a bad decision which I now regret.
Four years ago, I was living in my parents’ house. My father bought me a house in Petaling Jaya.
Two years after my father passed away, my eldest son asked me to transfer my house to his name so that he could move in with his wife. Out of love for him, I did just that. I reminded him that I would be staying with him once my mother was no longer around as my siblings would be selling the family house.
After my mother passed away, my siblings sold the family house. So I went to live with my son.
When I arrived at the house, my son told me that his mother-in-law, whom I shall refer to as X, was already staying with them. I did not mind initially. But after a few months, I came to realise that X is a very domineering woman, and sets the rules for the house.
My son bought two TV sets – one for the family hall on the first floor, and the other for the living room on the ground floor. The TV upstairs is for X’s use since her room is upstairs, while the TV in the living room is for my use since my room is on the ground floor.
But X insists on using the TV on the ground. I always give in to her but when she is not watching TV, she would not allow me to watch either!
I told her that the house is mine and that I had told my son I would be moving in with him one day. She pointed out to me that the house now belongs to her son-in-law and her daughter had asked her to stay with them.
I complained to my son but he has not been able to solve the problem. Now I live in misery and regret my decision. What should I do? I cannot stand the sight of X. I want to warn others to be careful: Your kindness may result in misery. – Miserable
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Dear Miserable,
Your predicament has less to do with your kindness and more to do with a lack of consideration from X. Some might even go so far as to say that your son is abdicating his duties to look after you.
No one can judge your decision to transfer the house over to your son. You were acting as a caring parent. You did what you did because you thought it was your duty as a father, and in the belief that your son would look after your welfare.
Your son must realise that looking after you is more than just providing you with a roof over your head, food to eat, and a television. His duty involves making sure you are happy and comfortable.
Therefore, he has to try harder to get his mother-in-law to respect you and your boundaries. It is not just about watching television. It is more than that. It is also about respect.
Perhaps X is insecure in the knowledge that her position in the house is precarious. She is living with her son-in-law, who may one day ask her to go live with one of her other children. She is likely over-compensating and trying to assert her power and control over you. Hearing your assertion that the house is yours probably increased her insecurity.
Of course, this is not your responsibility. It is up to her daughter and your son to make her feel comfortable and welcomed in their home. If she is not feeling that way, perhaps that is the problem.
It is not just your son who has to address this issue. His wife must also play an active part in allaying her mother’s concerns. The house seems to be big enough for all of you, so space is not the issue.
On your part, is there an olive branch that you could extend to X? Is there some way that the two of you could be friendly, if not friends? Some people find that it is easier to connect with each other through activities where they have a shared interest.
Seeing that she is being accepted may help X feel a little more secure in the house, and ease up on being territorial.
Sometimes it could also be a matter of communication. How you say something is as important as what you say. This does not mean you have to bend over backwards to be nice. Being aware of the tone of speech, for instance, is an easy way to communicate without the other person feeling threatened. Keeping steady eye contact is also important.
These are little things you can do to help ease the tension between you and X. Ultimately, though, your son and daughter-in-law have to step in to help you find a solution that makes everyone happy.
Compromise will be required from all parties. Everyone is going to have to let go of something just a little for all of you to feel happy. What you can give up, and how much you can compromise is something you have to decide for yourself.
You may also find that it is not a matter of compromise, and that X is just not a nice person. Still, your son and daughter-in-law are going to have to make some decisions to make your life more comfortable as it is, after all, your house albeit in your son’s name. That is something you should not be expected to compromise on at all.
There is nothing wrong in being kind and nice. It does not mean one is a weak person, or that the person can be taken for granted. When you are nice, you are putting the needs of the other person ahead of yours. The other person has a moral duty and obligation to treat that act of kindness responsibly. That is the problem here. Your son and daughter-in-law have to take their responsibilities seriously. Please do not stop being kind. – Thelma
