SINGAPORE: The wedding invitation card sits on the front page of the album, an ageing document that jolts 77-year-old Kishinchand Primalani’s memory back to that fateful day in November 1964. “There was no such thing as a love marriage,” he said. “In our time, we could not choose the girl. My eldest sister chose for all the brothers. She was like a mother to us. We had to say ‘yes’.”
Mr Primalani married Veena in a simple ceremony in Pune, India and shortly after in August 1965, the couple moved to Singapore. It was a challenging time having to adjust to a new country as a newly-wed couple. But having friends and relatives among the close-knit Sindhi community helped.
The Primalanis’ invitation card sits on the front page of the album, a reminder of their simple wedding more than 50 years ago. (Photo: Monica Kotwani)
HAVE FUN AS A COUPLE
Nowadays, couples have vast number of options for dates as they build their relationship.
But things were simpler back in the day, Mr Primalani recalled fondly, as he turned the pages of the black-and-white album. “We used to go to Malaysia with friends. Travelling everywhere, enjoying. Every Saturday, we’d go out, and play cards the whole night, and into the morning. We would go dancing.”
And despite coming from a traditional family, Mrs Primalani said her husband was not the sort to stop her from doing what she wanted. “I could go anywhere, wear whatever I want – he would never stop me.”
Even after the couple had their three daughters, the fun did not stop. Sheela Belani, their eldest daughter, recalled the family outings on weekends. “There was a routine. We would go to Swee Kee chicken rice on Sundays. And if there was a new Hindi movie at the cinema, the whole family would go for the first show. No questions asked.”
BEYOND GRAND GESTURES, IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT COUNT
Fifty-two years into their married life, the couple live in their modest flat in Bendemeer, one of the first HDB point-blocks built by the Government. It is where they have watched their daughters grow up and where their grandchildren and now great-grandchild come to visit.
Despite the fun and excitement that the early years of marriage brought, both Mr and Mrs Primalani said what matters the most is supporting each other through the tough times. Mrs Primalani, who suffers from mild dementia, stopped to think when asked if she thinks her husband is romantic.
“When I had cancer, he looked after me. He quit his job for almost three years. He would take me to the hospital for radiation and chemotherapy every day. He would take care of me, make tea for me,” she said.
Fifty years after his own marriage, Mr Primalani advises his grand children on what makes a good partnership between spouses.
These days, Mr Primalani advises parents not to interfere in their children’s relationships. “They are big girls and boys. If they find a good partner, let them enjoy themselves,” he said. “During my time, the father, mother, brother all interfered (to say): ‘Don’t marry this person, marry that person.’ I don’t like that.”
But he said couples should also be pragmatic about their choice. “When you marry someone, you must see whether that person is able to communicate, cooperate in a marriage with you.”
OVERCOMING THE ODDS OF A MIXED MARRIAGE
In 1967, then 26-year-old Johnny Teo took his 17-year-old neighbour in Kampung Ubi by surprise when he professed his love for her. “How come?” Grace Joseph recalled asking him. “You are Chinese and I am Indian. I don’t think my mother will let us get married.”
But Mr Teo did not give up. He recalled with a smile what attracted him to her. “She was pretty and honest. She’s very big-hearted. That’s why I loved her very much.” He took his mother and relatives to Mdm Joseph’s home to ask for her hand in marriage. Her parents, though unhappy, agreed. The couple registered their marriage and had a fuss-free party to celebrate.
Johnny and Grace Teo had to deal with many uncomfortable stares and comments after getting married in 1967, when interracial marriages were still rare. (Photo: Monica Kotwani)
Inter-racial marriages were rare during that time, so the new Mr and Mrs Teo had to put up with stares from members of the public whenever they went out. But it was comments from family that hurt Mrs Teo the most.
Her parents stopped talking to her after the marriage, although the relationship would mend when she would have her first child two years later. There were also nasty comments from her extended family. “They would say ‘Oh you ran away with a Chinese man ah?’” she recounted with a sad smile.
“And I’d say ‘Okay, if you think I did that, that’s fine.’ I did not need to be scared of their comments, although they were painful. But now I think people know the strength of our relationship.”
The couple celebrated their 50th anniversary on Saturday (Feb 11). But the marriage has not been without challenges. Mrs Teo worked night shifts as a factory worker so she could take care of her three children during the day, while Mr Teo worked.
KEEP CALM AND STAY COOL
They also had to work though their different personalities. “Johnny was a very hot-tempered man. Whenever he started a quarrel, I’d stay very cool, not say anything” said Mdm Joseph. But he would eventually calm down and apologise, she added with a laugh.
Fifty years on, Mr Teo has mellowed significantly, enough to impart his own words of wisdom. “I advise young people now – think it over before you quarrel. If you do quarrel, ‘bo bian’ (you don’t have a choice), give way. Either one has to give way – the woman or the man.”
The couple has also adopted each other’s cultures and languages. The family celebrates both Chinese New Year and Deepavali. Mrs Teo speaks Teochew, while Mr Teo has a basic understanding of Tamil.
Fifty years on, Mr and Mrs Teo share advice with their children on the best way to sustain a long-lasting relationship.
LOVE EVOLVES WITH TIME
Having come from a strict family, marriage was liberating for Mrs Teo, who could now go to the movies with her husband from time to time. And while Mrs Teo said he was never very expressive with his emotions, Mr Teo would still find ways of showing his affection for her.
“When I would go to work at night, he would come and hug and kiss me. That is how I knew he loved me. Then when he went to work in the morning, he would kiss me and the children together,” she said.
With their children grown up and married with their own families, the physical affection is not as relevant, Mrs Teo said. As to whether they still squabble from time to time, Mrs Teo said, “Sometimes when we quarrel, we’ll complain about each other to the children. They will always say: ‘Aiyah mummy, just forget the small things. You have been married for so long!’”
